Hi Anthony! I really really liked your story! It was super different. I agree that there is a lot to flesh out in a brother-brother relationship. This was a pretty shocking story, and I think it sent the big message you were looking for. Your spelling and grammar and flow look great, and that made it really easy to get through the story. One thing I did struggle with was the intricate background of your blog. I like it a lot, and I am not necessarily recommending that you change the whole layout. But it was pretty hard to read on that background and it distracted me from the emotion of the story. I would maybe suggest making the font bigger and bolder so it is easier to see. I would have also liked to see a little more explanation about why Vali’s family had to leave so suddenly (maybe elaborate about the urgency of the job) to make it seem more realistic. You did a great job!
I really liked the approach that you took to telling the story of Vali and Sugriva. It was nice to see such a modern take on it, and the fact that the council that told Sugriva to leave Vali came from their own parents in your story.
At first glance, the logistics of everything looks good. Your link in the portfolio introduction to your first story worked perfectly. And the link provided to your picture also worked as it should have.
Your author’s note was also very good, with plenty of explanation as to what changes you made in the story, and what your motivation in writing it was.
I do have a few things to point out for you to fix. One of the things that I noticed in your story was that you used the term “east coast” which needs to actually be capitalized. In the next line, you say “an and outgoing”, so make sure to edit that part so that it is cleaner.
In the third paragraph, Sugriva says “Alright, bye Vali” but there should also be a comma between “bye” and “Vali”.
Also, in the paragraph that it says “Dad interrupted him” I believe that that is a sentence in itself and should have a period instead of a comma.
Since I read your first story last week, this week I read The Birth of Hanuman. At first look, the layout flows nicely. The font is easy to read against the background, and the link in your picture works. The only note that I have is that paragraphs five and six have awkward indentions that need to be fixed.
When reading the story, I do have a few suggestions for you. First, I would look at the word choice in paragraph five in the third line. You make the mom smirk at the child, and I do not really see a reason for smirking. Another facial expression would fit better there.
In the eight paragraph, you use “24/7” which cuts off the flow of the story. In fictional writing, numerals are not used, and instead the numbers are typed out fully. Also, the phrase you would use for the numbers you show “twenty-four seven” also cuts off the flow. I would suggest working on the word choice for that line.
After Brahma names Riksharaja, you then call him “The Riksharaja”, but you should just call him by his name.
Hi Anthony! You commented on my introduction about studying abroad and what it was like. Well I am part of the Gaylord College of Journalism and Mass Communication, and they have specific study abroad programs through that school. I went on a British Media Study Abroad Tour, which counted for 6 upper-division credit hours. We did a majority of the coursework here in Norman for a few months before we left May 2013. We went to England, France and Wales for three weeks touring different ad agencies, PR firms, news broadcast stations, newspaper presses, etc. It was awesome!
Hi Anthony! I am commenting about your overall blog and layout. I really like how different your blog is from the others I have seen. Your text color being in white makes it easy to read each one of your posts. I really like that you have a top navigation bar in order to make it concise for your audience to find exactly what week or story they want. Great job!
Hey Anthony! Great portfolio you got there! I enjoyed reading all of your stories and thought you added quite a bit of details in them! I think my favorite is The Birth of Hanuman just because I really like Hanuman's character. I liked how you made the story into another perspective of someone reading a bedtime story about Hanuman. Instead of doing it in one of the Ramayana character's perspective, you did an outside view and turned it into a story about the indian epics characters! You focused on Caesar and made the story much more interesting. I'm also digging your layout a lot. It kind of reminds me of an old vintage theme. Also the picture of the mango you posted on the Hanuman's story was significant to his birth. It was the part where he thought the sun was a mango. Overall, you did a great job on your stories! Keep up the great work!
Anthony, I thought your layout for your portfolio was great. Also, compared to other portfolios I really enjoyed reading your stories and seeing how much added detail you had throughout them. Hanuman is by far one of my favorite characters throughout all of the reading so far so I was glad to see how you used him in your storytelling. Someone else pointed this out but your navigation bar at the top of your page makes it so much easier to use your website and navigate from item to item. The convenience factor there is huge. Overall great work!
Hi Anthony! I really really liked your story! It was super different. I agree that there is a lot to flesh out in a brother-brother relationship. This was a pretty shocking story, and I think it sent the big message you were looking for. Your spelling and grammar and flow look great, and that made it really easy to get through the story. One thing I did struggle with was the intricate background of your blog. I like it a lot, and I am not necessarily recommending that you change the whole layout. But it was pretty hard to read on that background and it distracted me from the emotion of the story. I would maybe suggest making the font bigger and bolder so it is easier to see. I would have also liked to see a little more explanation about why Vali’s family had to leave so suddenly (maybe elaborate about the urgency of the job) to make it seem more realistic. You did a great job!
ReplyDeleteI really liked the approach that you took to telling the story of Vali and Sugriva. It was nice to see such a modern take on it, and the fact that the council that told Sugriva to leave Vali came from their own parents in your story.
ReplyDeleteAt first glance, the logistics of everything looks good. Your link in the portfolio introduction to your first story worked perfectly. And the link provided to your picture also worked as it should have.
Your author’s note was also very good, with plenty of explanation as to what changes you made in the story, and what your motivation in writing it was.
I do have a few things to point out for you to fix. One of the things that I noticed in your story was that you used the term “east coast” which needs to actually be capitalized. In the next line, you say “an and outgoing”, so make sure to edit that part so that it is cleaner.
In the third paragraph, Sugriva says “Alright, bye Vali” but there should also be a comma between “bye” and “Vali”.
Also, in the paragraph that it says “Dad interrupted him” I believe that that is a sentence in itself and should have a period instead of a comma.
Besides that, good job!
Since I read your first story last week, this week I read The Birth of Hanuman. At first look, the layout flows nicely. The font is easy to read against the background, and the link in your picture works. The only note that I have is that paragraphs five and six have awkward indentions that need to be fixed.
ReplyDeleteWhen reading the story, I do have a few suggestions for you. First, I would look at the word choice in paragraph five in the third line. You make the mom smirk at the child, and I do not really see a reason for smirking. Another facial expression would fit better there.
In the eight paragraph, you use “24/7” which cuts off the flow of the story. In fictional writing, numerals are not used, and instead the numbers are typed out fully. Also, the phrase you would use for the numbers you show “twenty-four seven” also cuts off the flow. I would suggest working on the word choice for that line.
After Brahma names Riksharaja, you then call him “The Riksharaja”, but you should just call him by his name.
Other than that, good job!
Hi Anthony! You commented on my introduction about studying abroad and what it was like. Well I am part of the Gaylord College of Journalism and Mass Communication, and they have specific study abroad programs through that school. I went on a British Media Study Abroad Tour, which counted for 6 upper-division credit hours. We did a majority of the coursework here in Norman for a few months before we left May 2013. We went to England, France and Wales for three weeks touring different ad agencies, PR firms, news broadcast stations, newspaper presses, etc. It was awesome!
ReplyDeleteHi Anthony! I am commenting about your overall blog and layout. I really like how different your blog is from the others I have seen. Your text color being in white makes it easy to read each one of your posts. I really like that you have a top navigation bar in order to make it concise for your audience to find exactly what week or story they want. Great job!
ReplyDeleteHey Anthony! Great portfolio you got there! I enjoyed reading all of your stories and thought you added quite a bit of details in them! I think my favorite is The Birth of Hanuman just because I really like Hanuman's character. I liked how you made the story into another perspective of someone reading a bedtime story about Hanuman. Instead of doing it in one of the Ramayana character's perspective, you did an outside view and turned it into a story about the indian epics characters! You focused on Caesar and made the story much more interesting. I'm also digging your layout a lot. It kind of reminds me of an old vintage theme. Also the picture of the mango you posted on the Hanuman's story was significant to his birth. It was the part where he thought the sun was a mango. Overall, you did a great job on your stories! Keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteAnthony, I thought your layout for your portfolio was great. Also, compared to other portfolios I really enjoyed reading your stories and seeing how much added detail you had throughout them. Hanuman is by far one of my favorite characters throughout all of the reading so far so I was glad to see how you used him in your storytelling. Someone else pointed this out but your navigation bar at the top of your page makes it so much easier to use your website and navigate from item to item. The convenience factor there is huge. Overall great work!
ReplyDelete